Written 2025/8/18
I am getting really tired of having to upload the censored version of Seeletrig (a vent illustration I did last year, which contains both nudity and gore) whenever I want to show it off. Like. I want to be kind and respectful of everyone's limits, not to show skin or guts in case folk are sensitive to that. But also it feels Bad. It feels like I have to hide myself away. My illustrations are very personal, they're my emotions. They're me. Having to self-censor that feels like cutting off a leg!
I'm kinda starting to resent it.
This is made more difficult considering the fact that I want to get more explicit with my art— more nudity, more gore. Dealing with both physical disability and transness means that the body is something I think about a lot. It's both cage and canvas. Exploring that is part of how I want to express myself! For example, my next piece has both bare ass and blood in it. I'm making it to mourn a death, to vent some anger, and to process a few other feelings.
I shouldn't have to censor my mourning, should I?
I understand why I self-censor. I'm trying to accommodate everyone who might stumble on my work, to let folk choose what they're comfortable with seeing. I know that not everyone is comfortable with gore or nudity, I don't know what experiences every viewer might have had. What about people with PTSD? Could my art trigger them? I have PTSD, myself, and some of my triggers are commonplace. Having to avoid them can be isolating, sometimes. I know how it feels when no one accommodates your needs, it feels awful! I don't want to do that to others!
My own father has a blood phobia, and any work I create involving it cannot be shared with him. Nor can any pieces with nudity— however artistic they may be— on account of his Mormonism. The same can be said for several friends and family members regarding gore, nudity, or both.
My art is important to me, and I'd like to be able to share it with those I care about, but in many cases, I can't. So, I'll make edited versions— blurring out the offending pieces— to share instead. The people who I share it with, whether through social media or direct communication, then get to ask if they want to see the full thing. Anyone who may be uncomfortable simply won't. Everyone wins, right?
This self-censorship gets to be draining when the work is so personal. It's worse when we're under a veritable deluge of third-party censorship lately, too. The act of sharing and celebrating these things feels more important now than ever. Having to self-censor makes me feel as if my expression is something to be ashamed of, like it's something to be hidden away from polite society. Unseemly things that should not be seen by the general public. It isn't.
There's a mean voice in the back of my head that says:
If you're uncomfortable with the human body— inside or outside— that might be a you problem. That's something for you to work on, not something I should hide my soul to accommodate.
As I prefaced, this feels mean. Uncaring. Inconsiderate of how others might feel. But, at the same time, it's worth asking...who is harmed more by this? I don't really believe there's tangible harm done by someone seeing some breasts or guts when they didn't want to, save for cases where that person is dealing with PTSD or some other trauma. And maybe those few serious cases are why I should keep censoring my work, but I've personally dealt with situations where asking others to accommodate my triggers puts unreasonable pressure on them. I can't tell people to cover their faces just because they happen to look like a past abuser and looking at them activates my fight or flight! It's hard to tell if this is one of those, whether I'm being unfair by not censoring my art, or if others are unfair for asking me to.
Most artists who operate in a similar vein as I do, namely horror artists, don't self-censor. They found it to be similarly painful and burdensome, and stopped. They simply express themselves, and I haven't heard of them running into much trouble for it. Though, that may be because the trouble is happening behind the scenes. That said, many of these peers are solely horror artists. They're not simultaneously working on friendly, lighthearted comedies like APRA alongside their explicit works.
APRA also happens to be my most popular thing. And APRA fans are not necessarily fans of my horror or surrealist work— some have explicitly told me that they had to unfollow my primary socials because they came for the funny gamer ghosts and not the heavier, explicit personal work. One former friend even told me my body horror stories were "offensive and disgusting." (She was not a horror fan.) Could I make a separate "safe" account on every social media I use and just copy every post besides the explicit work? Sure. I could, but then I'd have to maintain twice as many accounts when I'm already struggling to keep up as-is!
Making a separate set of "unsafe" accounts would feel more painful than self-censoring. Sure, it'd be less work than separate "safe" accounts, but it'd make my explicit work feel "second class." Like it's too shameful to post on my primary. Like it's something to be hidden away when it's not. It'd also get less attention that way, too.
It leaves me feeling frustrated! I want to be kind. I want people to feel comfortable around me and my spaces. I would really like if I could share my art without making people feel (unintentionally) uncomfortable, at the same time. But I don't think this is a situation where I can have both, and that hurts! So, as I do in most situations like this— I put everyone else first. My hurt at censoring myself is less important than the harm that could be done to others by not doing that.
That feels like the right thing. The kind thing.
But I don't have to feel happy about it.